I already know some of you will have your panties in a bunch on this one, but it needs to be said. 

The other day while I was on Facebook, I came across a screenshot that my friend posted of a conversation he previously had with his sister. She had a few harsh words for him and hoped he would die. Before I could even respond, I started reading through the comments. True to nature, there was that one person who had to say, “don’t post this; she is family.” I got heated and had to respond.

Before I even tell you what I think about toxic family members, let me ask you this. Why is it ok for someone to ever wish death on you? Why is it ok to think that just because they are family, they can treat you however they feel? Why is it when it comes to our friendships, relationships, etc., you tell people to walk away, but when it comes to our family, it’s always you need to forgive and move on? 

The simple answer to all of these questions, IT’S NOT 

Having Toxic Family Members

It is indeed time to break this generational curse that has been happening for decades. It’s time to stop sweeping secrets under the rug and put them out in the open. It’s time to start protecting instead of hiding. 

I get it; our grandparents and parents came from the generation that “what happens in the family stays in the family,” and I will be the first to admit there is some truth to that statement. What happens inside the family should never be put on blast for the world to see. However, inside the family, people need to know what’s going on. 

For some of us, the harsh reality is that as you read this blog post, you’re still dealing with pain from your past, and you’re suffering internally because your family decided to keep things a “secret.” It’s not ok if, as a child, you got molested by an adult family member and no one stepped up to handle the situation. It’s not ok if someone stole money, possessions, etc., from you and told you to keep it a secret. It’s not ok that you had bills put in your name as a child, and you are now trying to fix your credit because of someone else’s selfishness.

It’s not ok that whoever raised you wants you to suffer like they did growing up because it’s a “right of passage,” and you now owe them something in return. If a family member cheated, had a baby, and you now wonder why you have additional family members that you call cousins, that is a problem. These are very extreme cases, but all need to be at the table and dealt with regardless. 

What is toxic behavior?

I got a little deep there for a second, so let me backtrack and come back up to the surface. How do you identify toxic behavior on the surface level? Well, here are a few signs to look for 

• Feeling inferior or stupid by them acting harsh and critical from your actions and behavior
• They are the exception to the rules
• Emotional or intellectual manipulation 
• Calling you out of your name 
• Having a narcissistic personality
• Mood swings or wild behavior
• Lying or guilt-tripping
• Never taking responsibility 
• Ignoring your boundaries
• No concern for your feelings, rights, or needs
• Feeling controlled
• Experiencing verbal, emotional, or physical abuse
• They have a negative mindset, and life is always wrong

How to deal with toxic behavior

The first thing you must realize is that nobody is perfect, even you. You can’t expect the “you” out of people and for them to act a certain way just because you feel it’s right. However, you do get to dictate how you live your life and the treatment you get from other people. 

• Understand that your mental, physical, and emotional health comes first. If your gut tells you it’s not right, it’s probably not, and it’s ok for you to walk away. 
• Always be respectful. Yes, I understand that you earn respect, but be the bigger person for yourself. It does not mean you change who you are entirely, but say hello and keep it moving if someone says hi. 
• Stand your ground and set strict boundaries.
• Keep your distance. DON’T GO if you don’t want to attend an event or show up to a party because it will make you uncomfortable. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. 
• Keep your private life private, and know who you can trust. You don’t want something said out of anger or in an emotional state to come back later and bite you in the butt. People who will throw jabs and hit below the belt to make you feel inadequate are not people you need in your life. 
• Learn the word NO

The bottom line is this, FIND YOUR PEACE. Everyone struggles with family, and it’s easier said than done, but your family members will always love you and respect you for sticking up for yourself. 

If you are still struggling, consider reaching out to a therapist that will offer you guidance and help you explore different options that you are comfortable implementing into your routine.

Comment down below if you have ever dealt with a toxic family member, and offer us a few suggestions on how you handled the situation.